Hi there and welcome back to my blog! Thanks for stopping by! First off, as you may or may not know, I’m a HUGE fan of 90 Day Fiancé. AND its million spinoffs, lol. Which plays into what I want to talk about today. Have you ever been watching a show & wish you could talk directly to one of the cast? I’d LOVE to speak to one of the women on the current season of “Before the 90 Days”. And what would I tell her? I’d say, baby, YOU DON’T HAVE TO PROVE YOUR WORTH IN A RELATIONSHIP. But what does that mean?
I’m SO glad you asked.
I don’t have to prove my worth in a relationship? Tell me more, Meredith!
So on this season of Before the 90 Days, we meet Kimberly and Usman. Don’t worry, I’m going someplace with this. If you’re not familiar with the show, here’s a quick rundown. Don’t get sucked in, ha ha! At any rate, Kim meets Usman online. Kimberly decides to fly over to Nigeria to meet Usman in person. That is to say, AS HIS “POTENTIAL” GIRLFRIEND. So to seal the deal, Kim’s gonna, in her own words, “prove to Usman that she IS girlfriend material”.
Maybe it was just in my head.
When I tell you I went off like a Roman candle…
OMG I literally SCREAMED at the television like I was watching the playoffs. “GIRL,” screeched I, “YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PROVE NOTHIN’ TO NOBODY!” Then, after I saw she brought this man a Mac Book and a PlayStation FIVE…
I knew at that point I HAD to write this blog. So Kim? And any other human being that feels like they need to prove their worth in a relationship? This is for you.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PROVE YOUR WORTH. PERIOD.
If someone is attempting to make you “prove your worth” in a relationship, run. I really should have mentioned this in The Five People You Should Stop Dating because it’s a HUGE red flag. See, here’s the deal folks. Someone who is emotionally damaged will make you work for a relationship with them. They’re going to tell you how they got so badly burned by their “crazy ex”. Then, they might say something about how “they don’t know if they can love again”. You’re gonna have to prove your worth to them before that all happens.
Now before I go on, let me say something. Ready?
IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO PROVE YOUR WORTH IN A RELATIONSHIP. If someone tries to make you do that, run. This is an emotional manipulation tactic. Don’t fall for it. And how do I know?
Experience is the best teacher. So heed what I say.
I used to be that person.
Long ago and not too far away, I felt like I needed to prove myself. To “pay my dues”. Due to childhood trauma, I grew up thinking love is conditional. Quid pro quo, if you will. This is NOT TRUE. Not by a long shot. Yet I felt like my value was conditional. That I had to be Captain Save-A-Ho to prove to someone how awesome I was.
Let me tell you something. If I had ALLLLLL the money back that I spent on people trying to “prove my worth”? Dear God, I’d be a millionaire. Likewise for the amount of emotional currency that I spent. It burns my beak just thinking about it! Gah! <insert angry chicken noises here>.
And to tell you all the truth, I wish I’d had someone to sit me down and tell me that “your value is not conditional.” But what does that mean?
That means you do NOT have to give and give and give of yourself until the well runs dry in hopes that someone will agree to be in a relationship with you.
By the way? They will just keep raising the bar on you.
So what does someone trying to get me to prove myself look like?
There are certain phrases an emotional manipulator will use to try and get you to step up to the plate, as it were. If you ever hear something like these next few lines, RUN:
“My ex was such a (insert derogatory term). I’m sure YOU would never hurt me like that.”
“My heart is so cold. It will take a very special person to warm it back up.”
“I’m sure you won’t make the same mistakes as my ex did.”
Translation:
“I WILL MAKE YOU WORK LIKE A DOG FOR THE ‘BENEFIT’ OF BEING IN A ‘RELATIONSHIP’ WITH ME. HOWEVER, EVERY TIME YOU TURN AROUND I WILL RAISE THE BAR AND ENGAGE IN CRAZY-MAKING BEHAVIOR. THAT IS, UNTIL YOU ARE A SHELL OF YOUR FORMER SELF, AT WHICH POINT YOU WILL BE UNCEREMONIOUSLY DUMPED.”
To recap: if you hear anything that smacks of you competing with a former relationship of theirs? That’s a GIANT red flag and should be heeded accordingly. Love is NOT a competition. You do NOT have to “prove your worth” to someone. EVER. And here’s something else. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE CAPTAIN SAVE-A-HO OR FINANCE A RELATIONSHIP TO GET SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU. So, what do I mean?
So let’s talk about trying to prove your worth by doing too much.
Have you ever known someone to do too much? Let me give you an example. Remember I was talking about Kimberly and Usman from Before the 90 Days at the beginning of this blog? And that she bought Usman a Mac book AND a PS5? Just to prove what an amazing girlfriend she COULD BE if given the chance?
Well, my dear Citizens of the Internets, Usman didn’t ASK for these things. Kimberly just thought she was gonna throw some money and gifts around; and our dear Usman was going to fall at her feet. Or into her bed, as it were.
Also? Just as an aside, BEGGING FOR SEX IS NEVER A GOOD LOOK. EVER. AND NEITHER IS TRYING TO BUY IT/A RELATIONSHIP. That never, ever works because all that does is breed resentment and winds up with person A huffing, and after everything I did for him and THIS is the way he’s going to treat me?
One small problem. Person B over there? Didn’t ask for all that stuff. Person A just assumed person B was for sale. And trust me, that’s an even WORSE look. Believe me when I tell you, you DON’T want to be known as “Here Comes Your Credit Card.”
Here comes your credit card? What’s that about, Meredith?
So, do you remember that horrible job I had that I quit? With the asshole boss and the bitchy daughter? Said bitchy daughter apparently had so little of a personality, she tried to BUY affection from the object of her desire. So get this – on the first date with a guy she liked, she hauled off and bought him an APPLE WATCH. WHO DOES THAT? And she bought him other expensive gifts. And then do you know what happened?
Mind you, this was an affluent kid she was dealing with. He wasn’t some poor workin’ schmuck she was trying to lure into her bed. So it’s not like he needed these expensive gifts, but either in trying to keep up or (wait for it) prove her worth…she dropped some serious cash on this dude.
So much so that when she was at some event with his family and friends, right? She leaves homeboy’s side to go get a drink or go to the restroom. And then, on her way back to where her date was, a friend or family member remarked (within her earshot),
“HERE COMES YOUR CREDIT CARD.”
Now I don’t know about you, but I would’ve been MORTIFIED and probably died right then and there on the spot. I mean, how embarrassing, right? Matter of fact, when my manager (who knew ALL their dirt and dished frequently) told me THAT story, I writhed in agony FOR the mean little bitch, since I could relate.
Because I was a walking credit card too, once upon a time. And I know how I would’ve felt if I’d heard that. I STILL cringe when I think about it, and that didn’t even happen to me!
But here’s something that did happen to me.
Captain Save-A-Ho to the rescue!
About twenty years ago, I was with a guy. He didn’t work, but I told myself that was fine; I was a fun, fearless female (THANKS, COSMO) and I could be the breadwinner if I wanted. Mind you all, there’s a BIG difference between “being the breadwinner”, and “getting taken advantage of”.
This was the latter.
Well, the guy had kids who I also provided for, thinking myself QUITE the hero, even though nobody asked me to. But then again, they never ask, do they? Yet they’ll certainly take whatever handouts are provided. Anyway, his little boy wanted some Pokémon cards or something. So they were in the living room talking about it, right? I’m paying no mind, and then the next thing I hear is a high pitched voice squalling,
“BUT YOU SAID I COULD GET THEM WHEN MEREDITH GETS PAID.”
OMG, I STILL remember feeling like I’d been doused in ice water. Then I went from cold to thirty-eight HOT in the next four seconds. You’d think I would’ve put him AND his rotten kid out right then, but I didn’t. However, I was never quite so generous going forward. And the relationship dissolved not too long after that. Shocker.
You’d think I would’ve learned after that. Yet I continued to provide for these so-called men who were always just a step away from that job/paycheck/windfall. And trust me, it never shows up because they’re full of shit! The only thing they’re getting into is YOUR POCKETS, FYI. Thing is? In MY mind, I’d “rescue” these guys, thinking once they were on their feet, they’d repay me with all the love and money I spent so freely. And sadly, it doesn’t work that way. Why?
Being an entitled piece of shit is a full time job for some people.
Unfortunately, there are people out there who will take you for all you’re worth like it’s their full time job, because it is their full time job. That’s how they get by in life. And I used to beat myself up for getting involved with these types over and over, but y’know what? All that meant is I have a big heart and give 110% in a relationship. The lessons I needed to learn, were WHO DESERVES THAT EFFORT. And, of course, that I was enough on my own, without having to prove myself by being someone’s credit card or open wallet.
Thank God, I know that now. But it was a long, painful road to get here.
So what have we learned about proving ourselves?
Hopefully, you’ve learned that YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PROVE YOURSELF IN A RELATIONSHIP. Period the end. That’s it! YOU ARE ENOUGH ALL ON YOUR OWN. And although there are SO many people out there that might try to make you feel like you aren’t, that simply isn’t true.
So here’s the deal. If someone makes you feel like you’re not “enough”? That’s a “them” problem, not a “you” problem. I want you to know that you don’t have to buy someone’s affection. You don’t have to “do” anything to “prove” what awesome relationship material you are.
All YOU have to do is be yourself. And truly? If that’s not enough for someone, you just be like that nice little Ariana Grande and say,
And if they give you any noise about it? You tell ’em to come see your ol’ Auntie Meredith. I’ll set ’em straight. Remember to subscribe (scroll down & you’ll come right to where you can do that) so you can read more awesome blogs like this one, and I’ll see you next time!
Thanks for reading,
Meredith Silverman