I wanted to write a cute puff piece for this Thursday’s entry entitled “Love in the Time of Coronavirus”. However, I’m going to have to postpone that piece. Why? Because I’m so irritated the top of my head is about to pop off. However, I do some of my best writing when I’m irritated as hell, so here goes.
Pray tell, WHY are you so irritated today, Meredith?
Ohhhh boy howdy…where do I begin? Well maybe I’ll start with the fact that COVID-19 has everybody, including me, scared sh*tless to go outside our front door. And considering the lack of toilet paper, maybe that’s a good thing. Good freakin’ luck finding a spare square right now!
Although, I must admit I did see some sellers on EBay selling toilet paper not only by the roll, but PER THE SHEET. Wooo WEE, I was ALL fired up about THAT until I scrolled down to the bottom of the page to see that sale is for novelty purposes only.
NOT FUNNY, JACKHOLE. Trying to find TP is no joke right now.
Aw, Meredith, have you completely lost your sense of humor?
Okay well, maybe selling toilet paper by the sheet is a LITTLE bit funny. I know we all need to keep our sense of humor here while we’re trying to avoid Captain Tripps-
Sorry, Stephen King. NOT Captain Tripps. This isn’t The Stand but M-O-O-N sure does spell QUARANTINE right now, doesn’t it?
This is a scary time we’re living in right now and my anxiety is through the damn roof. It’s not enough that every 37 seconds we hear something new. The latest? We heard how we shouldn’t be socializing in groups of more than ten (down from 250, from 50, to 10 if you please) to stanch the spread of this virus.
Here’s the kicker – there are asymptomatic carriers of Coronavirus that can spread this illness like wildfire. Yet there are people out here in these streets partying it up in bars and restaurants like no big deal. They’re even going to the beach! LISTEN UP: SALT WATER DOES NOT GIVE YOU IMMUNITY, FOOL, AND I’M ABOUT TO VOTE YOU OFF THE ISLAND.
Sigh.
Matter of fact, it’s St. Patrick’s Day at the time I’m writing this and I’m hearing all over Twitter that there are bars “PROUDLY OPEN” today and this evening for people to – what? Come drunkenly party it up (’cause it’ll be LIT, yo-excuse me while I roll my eyes) and spread COVID-19 all over each other like freakin’ Nutella on toast? Or if you’re Tom Hanks I guess, Vegemite on toast (too soon?). Seriously, THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO SOCIALLY DISTANCE YOURSELF HERE, FOLKS.
I mean seriously, what’s it going to take? Martial law?
Let me draw you a picture. You go out partying or out to a restaurant because you’re not giving into the fearmongering, by God. You’re young. You think you’re invincible, but OOPS! You’re WRONG! You catch the Coronavirus. But you don’t know it because you’re asymptomatic.
Then let’s say next week you venture your asymptomatic ass out to the supermarket, you touch all over everything and you pass the virus to a whole slew of people like my mom who is elderly, and to me, who has a chronic illness should WE leave the safety of our home to go out for food. YES we could order delivery but let’s say the asymptomatic one is the one delivering my groceries. I STILL HAVE TO TOUCH SOMETHING THEY’VE TOUCHED, HELLO MCFLY! And boom. Coronavirus? Meet Meredith. NO THANK YOU.
God knows I want to go viral, but NOT LIKE THAT.
Call me crazy, but I don’t want to get sick because YOUR stupid ass had to go have a pint of green beer. How about this? Order some green dye from your local grocery delivery (I recommend Instacart) and call it a damn day.
And if something happens to my mama? Well, I might be the Nicest Person on Twitter™, but if something happens to my mom because someone ELSE is irresponsible? I’m coming for you and it won’t be pretty.
Oh yeah, so why am I so irritated besides the fact we’re trying to face down this insidious virus straight out of an apocalyptic novel? Seriously, read The Stand if you haven’t already. Anyway, I think the MAIN reason I’m so irritated is because people aren’t working together.
For example, people are out here flaunting their responsibility as American citizens trying to stop the spread of this virus by GOING to the bar or out to eat or to the beach or whatever. They think it’s not going to happen to them. Well, hide yo kids and hide yo wife, because I got news for you. CORONAVIRUS COMIN’ FOR ERR’BODY!
As for me? Listen, we all know I’m a hermit on the best of days, but as soon as I heard self quarantine was the idea? Boom. I parked myself firmly in the house. As soon as I heard that seniors age sixty-five and older need to stay home, I told Ma that’s exactly what she was going to do. Luckily she agreed with me. Should Husband get the directive? He’ll be working from home as well. And anyone who thinks we’re “giving in to the fear mongers” can kiss the very fattest part of my fluffy white ass.
This is not “giving in to fear mongering,” folks. THIS IS COMMON F-ING SENSE SO WE CAN BEAT THIS DAMN CORONAVIRUS FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL.
Okay, fine, Meredith. You’ve convinced me. So what do we do?
Here’s what we do: stop irritating me by going out and being irresponsible and do your part, okay? Wash your hands. Now WASH ‘EM AGAIN. Don’t go out partying because you think it won’t happen to you. Stay your happy ass home and self quarantine. DO THE RIGHT THING and in the words of Mel and Max Brooks, DON’T BE A SPREADER. Stay home (if possible), and let’s do our best to kick COVID-19’s ass for your sake, my sake, Ma’s sake and America’s sake. After all, we’re all in this together.
Stay well and thanks for reading,
Meredith Silverman