'Tis the Season for Company Parties - Tell Me More, Meredith!

Tis the season for company parties? Liz Lemon says no thank you.

Well, it seems the holiday season is upon us once again. And what does the holiday season bring? Christmas movies so cheesy you could serve ’em on a charcuterie board? Sure. Weepy soda commercials about polar bears? Of course. But do you know what the holiday season ALSO brings? You got it – tis the season for company parties. Oh, and do I have a rant for YOU! But before I go full-metal Meredith on you, hi! Welcome back to my blog! It’s so nice to see you! And in the words of 2 Unlimited…

Tis the season for a rant about company parties? This girl is asking if y'all are ready for this. — Of course you are! My rants are LEGENDARY.
Or so I’ve been told.

‘Tis The Season To Be Annoyed

So, I’m sure you’re asking yourself, okay, Meredith, WHY are you on one about company parties? What set you off? Well, I was minding my own business scrolling Twitter this morning, and the following tweet stopped me in my very tracks:

And I was like, OH HERE WE GO! My Rant-O-Meter turned itself up to ELEVEN. NOTHING pissed me off more than having to attend one of these travesties. And I mean NOTHING.

Take This Company Christmas Party and Shove It

Grumpy Cat showing my reaction to seasonal company parties. — Literally my reaction to the company party invite every December.

The Office Christmas Party. The Corporate Holiday Party. Whatever the hell you want to call it, IT SUCKS. Okay now, let me be real with y’all. There has been ONE company Christmas party I ever enjoyed attending. ONE. I had real, actual fun. But it might be important to note here that it wasn’t MY company party.

Prior to that, I HATED every single ONE of the holiday company parties I attended. Matter of fact, I think I only knew ONE person who actually liked going to these things. And that’s because he’d win all the raffles they’d hold. That said, I think forcing your employees to attend something on their own UNPAID time is bullshit. And it’s always this forced jolliness, like, COME ONE, COME ALL! BRING YOUR SPOUSE AND LET’S ENGAGE IN SOME HOLIDAY CHEER!

Michael Scott saying presents are better than your stupid seasonal company party. — PRESENTS. NOT MANDATORY, BORING ASS, COMPANY PARTIES!

Come the fuck on. FIRST of all, as a spouse? I have ZERO desire to attend company parties. For fuck’s sake, I’m an introvert. The thought of spending time with a bunch of strangers MAKES MY SKIN CRAWL. I don’t WANT to meet that bitch Becky from Accounting. And I CERTAINLY don’t want to make uncomfortable small talk with my husband’s boss.

Oh, and as for me? I like keeping my private life PRIVATE. Being forced to attend my (former) company’s Christmas dinner was an exercise in annoyance. My husband should NOT have had to make uncomfortable small talk with MY asshole boss. Or be grilled about who he works for! And to have to do this off the clock?

Seriously, off-the-clock office Christmas parties can eat a nice big bowl of holly, jolly dick.

‘Tis the Season to Cancel the Company Christmas Party

Listen, if you’re a company owner and you’re reading this? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CANCEL THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY. Because I guarantee you, NOBODY WANTS TO GO.

In fact, according to CNBC, over 90 percent of workers said they’d rather skip it. Know what we’d rather have instead? A bonus. Extra vacation time. Hell, I’d even take a potluck lunch during work hours that I didn’t have to drag my husband to!

Because look folks, here’s the real deal. NOBODY LIKES COMPANY HOLIDAY PARTIES. For one? IT’S CALLED WORK FOR A REASON. YOU PAY ME TO BE THERE EIGHT HOURS A DAY, FORTY HOURS A WEEK. No more, no less. So to expect ANYONE to be thrilled about having to essentially GO TO WORK beyond that? Is some hot-chocolate flavored bullshit in a dollar store Christmas cup. Okay?

Michael Scott from the Office doesn't like seasonal company parties, and for the record? Neither does this blogger. — I don’t like it one bit.

Especially if I’m an hourly employee. Now if I’m a salaried employee at a corporate level? And I’m trying to claw my way up the corporate ladder? That might be another thing. But for us lowly schmucks on the totem pole? No. I really don’t give a shit about hobknobbing with the Company President who’s probably making millions of dollars while I’m scratching along to survive, and can’t give a fuck who I am anyhow. And that’s the truth of the matter.

So Now That the Holiday Season is Here

Ask your employees if they even WANT a holiday party. I would almost GUARANTEE you that they’ll respond with a resounding “NO”. And if you MUST have one, LET THEM KNOW that attendance is NOT mandatory. Do NOT give anyone a hard time for NOT showing up.

You don’t know if they’re socially anxious, dislike driving at night, or have a sick relative to take care of. To DEMAND attendance to your company function is fucked up, AS WELL AS being an asshole on your part. And given how much these parties cost? While at the same time you’re saying, sorry, no bonuses this year? Just to stage a dog-and-pony show so you can congratulate yourself on being a Master of the Universe?

Listen, Skeletor, I can GUARANTEE you that your employees are OVER IT.

Don’t shake those tiny fists at ME, bucko. We’re OVER IT.

So let’s don’t this year, huh?

This holiday season, give your employees something they’ll actually WANT. You don’t know what to get them, you say? Well a hefty cash bonus is always nice. How about a Visa gift card? Heck, I’m sure they could use some extra time off.

Still stumped? Here’s a hint: IT’S NOT A FUCKING COMPANY PARTY.

Thanks for reading,
Meredith Silverman