Actually, I have a bone to pick with hotel toilets AND rest-stop toilets. Not to mention the CRAPPY (pun intended-ha ha), toilet paper that they offer to unsuspecting undercarriages! So sit down, travelers, and let me engage you in a tale of two toilets. That is to say, mine, and NOT MINE.
Now, before I begin, I understand there’s a magical franchise called Buc-ee’s who boasts the best bathrooms in the COUNTRY, and would you believe that I didn’t check them out when I was there? I am ashamed to say, dear Reader, that I did not.
But anyhoo, let’s talk about what I discovered about hotel and rest-stop bathrooms on a recent road trip, shall we?
Rest-Stop Toilets, This Is Your Chance To Shine…Sort Of.
FIRST of all, by now it’s no secret that I’m autistic. And a homebody. And AS an autistic homebody, I don’t like change. In fact, I DISLIKE change with the intensity of, as I’ve said before, a thousand burning suns. So, for ME to go on a road trip, in UNFAMILIAR surroundings (including UNFAMILIAR bathrooms), is quite the undertaking.
And I’m not the only one! I grew up with a dad who hated to travel. Why? Because he DID NOT LIKE unfamiliar surroundings, but MOSTLY he did NOT cotton to an unfamiliar toilet. I strongly suspect my dad was autistic, so this tracks. Even so, little did I suspect I’d be waxing nostalgic about my OWN toilet on a recent road trip to Denton, Texas and back.
Maybe YOU can just go anywhere, but I can’t.
A Cautionary Tale of Toilet Woes…
To start with, I guess I should shouldn’t expect much from rest-stop toilets. Though I must admit, the states of California, Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas do keep their rest area toilets fairly clean. And admittedly it’s hard to…y’know…do your business where people can hear you and, if God forbid you’re having a…ehhmmm…moment…SEE you when you shamefaced-ly exit the stall, skitter over to the sink, WASH YOUR HANDS, and escape to the privacy of your car. Usually I’ll wait until the place is empty, so I don’t embarrass some poor soul who OBVIOUSLY had the bad blowfish.
But again, I digress. So granted, I know I shouldn’t expect much from rest-stop toilets, but I WILL DRAW THE LINE AT THEIR ROUGH, SCRATCHY TOILET PAPER that irritates one’s…parts. DAMMIT, STATE OF CALIFORNIA, WE PAY HUGE AMOUNTS OF TAXES, Y’ALL NEED TO FIX THAT! My lady parts are STILL angry at me, and we’ve been home for DAYS.
But again, I digress. Even so, I’ve noticed rest-stop toilets are of varying heights, and I get that. As I ran across in a Quora article, children have to use those bathrooms too…and nobody wants to “scale Mount Toilet.” But for me, a too-tall or too-short toilet can SEVERELY limit my, as the Charmin marketing team puts it, “enjoyment of the go.” Hmmph. I suppose I can live, for the amount of time I spend in rest-stop toilets. But BRUH, that rough, scratchy toilet paper has GOT to go. If I ever run for state office, BY GOD WE ARE GOING TO BE TALKING ABOUT THAT.
Or, I could just bring my own personal roll in each time, which believe me, I’m going to do, because…yeah. My poor hoo-ha cannot handle the truth about rest-stop TP.
Okay Hotel Toilets, You And Me. Outside. Right Now. We’re Doing This.
Okay hotel toilets, here comes the BIG BONE I have to pick with you…WHY ARE NOT A DAMN ONE OF YOU A COMFORTABLE PERCH ON WHICH A PATRON SUCH AS MYSELF CAN DO MY PROPER BATHROOM BUSINESS?? I swear to GOD if I ever find a hotel chain with comfortable, easy toilets to behold, I WILL PATRONIZE THEM FOREVER. Okay so first of all, my dear husband and myself stayed in three different rooms in two different chain hotels on our road trip. So, we had THREE different toilets to experience…and sadly, dear Reader…
NOT A ONE OF THEM WAS, in the words of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, JUST RIGHT.
Ain’t that a pisser??!
Now For The Story of Meredith and the Three Toilets…
Of the three toilets we sampled, we found Hotel Toilet #1 severely lacking. ‘Twas ensconced in a veritable CLOSET-sized area that I could barely fit my fat ass into. AND THAT’S ANOTHER THING, HOTEL CHAINS WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS UNTIL I CAN SLIP YOUR NAME IN HERE UNOBTRUSIVELY: OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE TRAVEL TOO AND GUESS WHAT?
WE HAVE TO USE THE BATHROOM ALSO!! I know. The whole shareholder’s board is SHOCKED TO HEAR IT. A suggestion? Instead of catering to only children with a toilet that’s barely a foot and a half off the ground (I swear to God, I felt like I was sitting on a mushroom), CAN WE PLEASE ARRANGE HOTEL BATHROOMS SO THAT FAT PEOPLE CAN ENJOY THE GO AS WELL?? C’MON NOW!!
Unfortunately, Toilet #2 was ALSO uncomfortable, due to the fact that not only was it TOO tall…(I know. There’s no pleasing me.)…but it was also located in such a spot that the BATHROOM DOOR OPENED DIRECTLY INTO IT!! Who designed these hotel bathrooms, the Marquis de Sade?? AND, the toilet seat ITSELF was angled in such a way that I started wondering if Hilton Corporate is worried about their employees sitting for too long?! If you think I’m kidding, I’m not. Read the hyperlinked article. It’s a real eye-opener. And truly, I expected better from Homewood Suites by Hilton. So if I ever travel again, I won’t be staying there.
Listen, I’m autistic, and I got the digestive problems to go with it. Plus I have a bladder that’s literally the size of a thimble. So, I spend a LOT of time in the bathroom, and I need a toilet that’s on MY team, yo.
Back to the Comfort Inn for the lowdown on Toilet #3 for the last leg of our trip. The verdict? Hmmm…well, if I had to give my two cents, that toilet was the least of three evils. Because at least THIS time I didn’t have to squeeze my fluffy plus-size frame into a space obviously meant for a Victoria’s Secret model (or a toothpick). and THEN sit down. But even so, STILL not the most comfortable toilet that I’ve ever encountered in my life. And I’ll tell you what, I used to think hotel beds were the MOST important part of my stay. But Lord, I have been changed. Now, it’s all about that bathroom. Like to the point that I want Meghan Trainor to write a song about it.
A Tale Of Toilets For The Ages…Hotels, LISTEN UP!
Listen, going to the bathroom might be a private thing, but it’s something we ALL do. And in these times of post-pandemic travel (be careful out there and wear your masks), I think it’s in the best interests of hotel chains to revamp their bathrooms, ESPECIALLY if you’re going to tell the unsuspecting public about how comfortable and swanky your rooms are. Because, as Fire Marshall Bill once exclaimed,
IF THE HOTEL TOILET SUCKS, IT LITERALLY RUINS THE WHOLE HOTEL EXPERIENCE.
Seriously, Hotel CEOs and Other High Level Executives, I invite you to come out of your ivory towers and your comfy executive bathrooms (where undoubtedly you’re taking a comfy executive poop, possibly while you’re reading this very blog), and COP A SQUAT on some of these REGULAR (as in, for the general paying consumer) hotel bathroom toilets, and see if YOU like them, and find them comfortable enough to do your bathroom business. And if YOU think they’re comfortable, I’ll give you all a dollar to add to your veritable wealth.
But if you don’t, well…THEN I’M RIGHT! And you gotta give ME a dollar! So there, ha ha! But seriously, if you’re going to cater to people, then cater to ALL people. You want to make more money, right? Then make your space WELCOMING TO TRAVELERS. Fat, skinny, short, tall, your toilets should be able to serve ’em all. Because nobody wants to take an uncomfortable poop on vacation, PERIOD.
And maybe, just maybe, SOME DAY, Goldilocks over here will find that magical toilet for an experience on the road that feels like home. But until such time, I can only hope.
Be safe out there,
Meredith Silverman