Greetings and salutations!! It’s your old pal Meredith Silverman here with yet another unpopular opinion that I’d LOVE to share with the public at large: HONEYMOON FUNDS ARE TACKY. There. I said it. Actually, I feel like ANY cash fund is gross, really. It’s like you’re charging admission to your wedding, and THAT makes you an asshole, in my opinion. But I especially think honeymoon funds are TACKY AS SHIT, and THEN, I learned about NEW HOME FUNDS. Have you seen this? Hooooo boy, y’all better sit down, because I find myself with YET MORE TIME today. And yes, I, Meredith Silverman would LOVE, but LOVE to tell you more.
<cracks knuckles in preparation for some keyboard madness> And heeeeeeere we go!
If You’re Shaking Down Your Wedding Guests for Cash, You Are Tacky. Period.
FIRST of all, you all must understand I’ve been around the block a time or two when it comes to weddings. I’m nearly fifty years old. I’ve had my own weddings, and I’ve attended other people’s weddings. I thought honeymoon funds were tacky TWENTY FIVE YEARS AGO when I first HEARD of them, and I think they’re tacky now. I feel like ANY cash fund attached to a wedding (and don’t even get me started about DESTINATION WEDDINGS) is nothing short of a shakedown. Yeah, I said it! Like, seriously? And NOW, did y’all know there are STANDARDS for how much cash you’re supposed to give as a wedding gift?
Yes, believe it or not, there ARE standards for how much you’re supposed to cough up for a wedding gift. In fact, I happened upon THIS ARTICLE in my research for today’s blog but here’s a snippet with the most pertinent information. And admittedly I nearly fell off the fucking couch when I saw it.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? If I’m invited to your wedding you get what the fuck I can afford and that’s it. And don’t even THINK of inviting me to your destination wedding because I don’t travel, plus, unless you are LITERALLY PAYING FOR ME TO GET THERE, I’m not interested. But that’s neither here nor there. So WHY are honeymoon funds and <gag> NEW HOME FUNDS tacky? I mean, do we even need to address this? Well, apparently we do, because a., people are still doing it even at the RISK of looking like a tacky asshole, and b., there are about a million Google results that turn up from the “are honeymoon funds tacky?” query. So let me educate these people out here because I’m tired of all this tackiness.
It’s MOST unbecoming. And honestly? If you have to ASK if something is tacky?
IT’S FUCKING TACKY, M’KAY?
Say it with me: CASH FUNDS ON YOUR REGISTRY ARE GROSS AND TACKY.
To start with, these days most people live together before marriage, right? And let’s say, oh, I don’t know, someone’s been living with their intended for 8-10 years and are established, right? They’ve got a sweet little apartment or even a nice house for the two of them. They have EVERY appliance known to man. They don’t necessarily NEED anything, yet when the wedding invitation comes down the pike and I go to the registry and I see either a bunch of EXPENSIVE SHIT TO PURCHASE or worse yet, not even a registry but PLEASE DONATE TO OUR HONEYMOON/NEW HOME/JUST CASH BECAUSE FUCK YOU fund, well…
…I’m probably going to throw up on you the next time I see you (if I ever see you again). Like literally, I’m going to think SO MUCH LESS of you, and I’m going to quietly drop off your radar because OBVIOUSLY you’re a money grubbing asshole with no manners. Remember what Forrest said, tacky is as tacky does. Or maybe that was stupid is as stupid does. Eh, same thing, I guess.
So What Are People Supposed To Do In The Way of Gifts, Meredith?
Indeed, I’m SO glad you asked!! Do you know, when Matthew and I got married, I asked for NOTHING. Furthermore, I didn’t even have a fucking WEDDING-we got married at the COURTHOUSE with my mom as our only guest. Why? Because we didn’t WANT a big, expensive headache of a wedding, plus we already HAD everything we needed. I mean, could we have invited a bunch of people and had a big ol’ gift grab of our own? Yes, I’m sure we could have, but what for? A lot of extraneous shit that is going to end up in a landfill anyway? Oh, but you’re wanting an EXPERIENCE to be paid for by your wedding guests?
Oh wait – isn’t that eerily similar to a GoFundMe? Aren’t you just out here electronically panhandling? Like isn’t an electronic wedding fund the exact same thing as you standing out on a street corner begging for change? Well, I think GoFundMe is garbage too, so how about this?
You know what people are supposed to do about gifts? LET THEM BE THE JUDGE OF WHAT TO GIVE YOU AND YOU SAY THANK YOU. Or you wait for them to ask you what you’d like. I suppose folks can ask where you are registered, but honestly, if you’re already LIVING TOGETHER, trust me, your greedy ass has ENOUGH TOWELS and other household crap. Or I guess you can put up your electronic registry with CASH ONLY in big neon lights but you might also want to put an ATM in your wedding venue.
OMG HOW FUCKING TACKY IS THAT?? But I’m willing to bet you a ZILLION dollars that will be the next thing that comes out of the HOUSE OF TACKY. But again, tacky IS as tacky DOES. I swear to GOD I’m getting that printed on a T-shirt to remind all these assholes to STOP SHAKING DOWN THEIR FRIENDS AND RELATIVES FOR A COUPLE OF BUCKS JUST BECAUSE THEY DECIDED TO GET MARRIED.
I Cannot Believe How Tacky The Entire Wedding Industry Has Become. It’s Gross.
The wedding industry (and trust me, it IS an industry) has exploded in recent years, absolutely encouraging people to go big, BIGGER, BIGGEST!! I’ve heard that $25,000 is CHEAP these days when it comes to weddings and who even KNOWS about the honeymoon?
And what happened to the days of “if you can’t afford to go, you stay your ass home and do something else”? When did it become expected and even ENCOURAGED to have an expens-o-rama of a wedding and then expect your guests to fund THAT, your HONEYMOON or even your NEW HOME? ARE YOU SERIOUS WITH ALL THAT?
Grubbing For Cash Will Never NOT Be Tacky So Let’s Stop It Right Now.
So now that we’ve established that shaking down your friends or relatives for cash, WHATEVER the occasion is (but let’s just say in this case WEDDINGS), is tacky, can we please just stop? Can’t we just accept what we get gracefully and that’s it? I mean, times are tough, yo. The pandemic shut down a LOT of stuff and even though the economy is, well, TRYING to come back, MOST folks like myself are watching every dollar like a hawk. And trust me when I tell you that I give ZERO FUCKS about this new fangled cash-grabby way of doing things because I don’t do entitled.
In other words, my blushing bride to be, DON’T BE AN ENTITLED ASSHOLE AND EXPECT EVERYONE YOU INVITE TO FORK OVER $200 OF THEIR HARD EARNED CASH SO YOU CAN HAVE A STRAWBERRY CHAMPAGNE BRUNCH ON YOUR HONEYMOON CRUISE. That’s gross. It was gross 20 years ago, it was gross TEN years ago, and it’s gross now.
Ugh, You’re SO MEAN, Meredith. What About Young Kids Starting Out?
If you’re young kids starting out and you have literally NOTHING, then you should be grateful for WHATEVER the fuck you get and don’t ask questions. ESPECIALLY if folks mean well. These days it’s easier for you kids having an actual registry where we can point and click, but back in the day I didn’t care that my gifted towels were ugly or nothing matched!
Those ugly towels dried my ass just as well if not better than the “pretty” ones I got later on when those wore out, okay? Think about what REALLY matters. That you and your husband love each other and you bask in that love. If folks decide to GENEROUSLY give you gifts, that’s even better. But don’t be out here demanding cash to fund your whatevers because that’s tacky and gross. What’s next, we get to fund your baby shower and raise your kid, too?
That’s the crux of this whole situation and what’s pissing me off. I cannot and DO NOT hold any truck with some entitled asshole DEMANDING I pay in part for their wedding/house/honeymoon/cocaine bear/WHATEVER. That is NEVER. GOING. TO. HAPPEN. And on top of that, just so you know – ya lil friends won’t tell you what an asshole you are for shaking ’em down, BUT I WILL. So here’s the takeaway:
DON’T BE A TACKY, ENTITLED, DEMANDING HUMAN BEING, IT’S GROSS AND IT *WILL* COST YOU FRIENDS AND POSSIBLY FAMILY BECAUSE ***NOBODY*** WANTS TO BE THOUGHT OF AS SOMEONE’S PERSONAL ATM.
So save your shakedown for the next schmuck, because the Bank of Meredith is closed.
Thanks for reading,