Captain’s Log: Quarantine Day 54836

…but who’s counting, right?

I’d just like to say that being on quarantine officially sucks. Some people are getting creative while being stir crazy at home and of course Twitter has been my salvation. People, God bless ’em, are funny. I’m trying to be. Occasionally, I succeed. However, I haven’t been feeling particularly creative lately.

That said, I refuse to let my blog go by the wayside because I couldn’t think of anything to write. So I’ll share with you my thoughts during this time as well as what I’ve accomplished while on quarantine thus far:

I’ve played 1,351,398 games of Sugar Smash and Candy Crush. Each. Yes, I counted.

I’ve eaten approximately three times my weight and fantasized about at which restaurant I’m going to eat at first when we can finally get the hell out of the house. I’ve also fantasized about going to the grocery store, Costco, and Smart & Final and SHOPPING WITHOUT LIMITS!

Indeed, after my first successful non-limited out-of-quarantine shopping trip, I’ll load my car up. Then, I’ll return my shopping cart. Because responsible. After that, I’ll stop dead in my tracks right there in the parking lot, at which point I shall raise my dainty fist to the sky and shake it mightily while shouting with glee, “BY GOD I’LL NEVER GO WITHOUT TOILET PAPER AGAIN!”

Don’t look at me like that; I know you’re going to do the same thing.

Let’s see what else…I’ve done approximately 52 minutes of fitness. Hey, I’m trying. Wait, no, I’m being too hard on myself. I’ve done fifty-THREE minutes of fitness, and then I gave up because I’m pretty sure I’m going to come out of this looking like a Weeble. At least I won’t have to worry about falling down, I guess.

I’ve watched more Dr. Phil and DVR’d episodes of Judge Judy in the last nine days than I’ve ever seen in my life. But that’s okay. I love Judge Judy. I’m gonna miss her show.

Y’know, as an introvert who generally hates seeing people and going places, being on quarantine seems like winning the lottery. A mandatory stay-at-home order? Thought I, I can do that standing on my head. With the people I love most in the world? AWESOME. Easy peasy. I got this, yo! I’ll have all this time to write and create and work on my fitness and it’ll be FANTASTIC. Right?

Here’s how it’s really going: I’ve been sitting on my ass, playing endless games on my tablet, and eating everything in the pantry. I’ll freely admit I’m a little depressed because I can’t go to the grocery store, Costco, or Smart & Final because I have a compromised immune system. I’m terrified of contracting COVID-19. Plus if God forbid I brought it home to my mother I don’t know how I’d live with myself.

Plus, even though it’s a joy to have Mr. Husband working from home, my whole routine has been turned on its ear. My mother is enjoying being home, but even SHE is going a little stir crazy. And all this is weird and unsettling. I know we’re not the only ones; we’re just a few drops in the American Quarantine Bucket. In that respect, I can appreciate the fact that I’m not alone. I’m just grateful that I don’t have small kids. Oy; I can’t imagine. Then, I really WOULD probably be insane. Hats off to all the parents out there who are having to home school y’alls kids. Good luck to you. I know I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t last six minutes. Instead of regulation schoolwork, MY kids would be scouring Amazon for essential supplies and tested on the finer points of the Instacart ordering process.

I’ll tell you something; all jokes aside, staying home by choice sucks a lot less than staying home by order. Granted, it’s a small sacrifice to make if we can all get through the corona virus and flatten the curve. I’m hoping the young people that Governor Cuomo and Governor Newsom are speaking to are listening to what they’re saying about staying home. Hopefully they’ll get the message and make the sacrifice. I hope our President realizes that we are nowhere near the peak of this virus and “reopening America” too soon will have absolutely devastating results. I mean, look at how long it’s been for Wuhan, China, and we’re going to open back up in a matter of weeks?

Get real.

Additionally, I DO know if we all work together, we can all get back to our lives on the outside. And by all of us, I’m including the GOVERNMENT WHO NEEDS TO STOP F**KING AROUND AND PLAYING POLITICS ON CAPITOL HILL AND START PUTTING MONEY INTO THE HANDS OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE so we can rebuild our tanking economy as well as our tanking morale.

Also, I know that generally there’s a lesson that arises from every difficult and challenging experience. So what have I learned from all of this? I’ve learned that while I enjoy my hermit life, I’ll be venturing out of my shell a lot more often when this is all over. And if I ever bitch about having to schlep to the grocery store or anyplace else, can someone kindly remind me of this blog?

Final thoughts: there’s a big world out there. I don’t have to see all of it, but I intend to see a lot more of it after the quarantine lifts. But first, I got to get a manicure and pedicure because OH LAWD AM I GONNA NEED IT. Meanwhile, let’s do the best we can to keep our heads up and get through this. Together. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go play Candy Crush and I think Dr. Phil is on.

Thanks for reading,

Meredith Silverman